CD Notes by Dan McKee

June 18th, 2009

My heart-full welcome to our new brothers - you men who just completed the June NWTA, last weekend. We’ve been waiting for you.

 

What an amazing time in the world to access a deeper part of the sacred knowing of what it truly means to be a man. Already, just days since new brothers and staff left Camp WaRiKi, I’ve heard stories of the immense passion and heart “these new brothers” possess. Someone told me today – “These guys are really going to rock this community!”  

 

My invitation  - and challenge to you – is that you step into this community of men like you’ve been here for as long as you’ve been a man. It’s not a time in the world to play small or be cautious. Nor is that what this community needs. Not only have we been waiting for you, we’ve been waiting for what you have to contribute.

 

You’ve been told about the opportunity to integrate the learning, and to form your own group, or join an ongoing group. Please jump on this opportunity. It will immensely deepen your integration of the New Warrior lessons and learning. Mostly though, it will open a door for you, access to a deeper level of your own authenticity.

 

And here’s what we don’t mention enough on Sunday at the weekend: Your choice to step into the ongoing work is the first step that allows us to benefit from you. Part of the reason we’ve been waiting for you is that we need your leadership, your wisdom, and your fresh eyes for seeing our brotherhood.

 

You enter this Northwest  ManKind Project center and community at a fascinating time in our development. For the last 3 years we’ve been a standard in many ways for MKP communities: We’ve filled our weekends, and MKP-style initiated more men than almost any center in the world.

 

And now – the external forces of change in the world are affecting us, at the same time many of the ways we’ve operated in community have run their course, and change is needed and wanted.  You get to be part of that change.

 

I urge you to fully step in. If you get the message – whether it’s from within you or from one of us – that you need to finish your initial I-group cycle before you can be bold and act like you own the brotherhood, disregard it.  You can staff the NWTA – now. You can show up at your community and take a place on the council – now. You can help run an Open House to invite men into the work – now.

 

Again … I welcome you, and I honor the path that brought you to us. All of that path: The pain, the suffering, the joys and insights. And, I welcome and honor all of you: The golden and shadow parts of you, the unfinished and the divine, and everything in between.

                                                 

Blessings,

Dan McKee      Bear

MKP-Northwest Center Director

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

Roger Swayze will be stepping down at the end of June as our MKP-NW Center Administrator. Roger has served in the role for 4+ years. He’s been a constant and stable, grounded Real Bear in the center of this community of men. His role as ally and ambassador to many men in this center has been greatly appreciated and will be honored accordingly. Look for a special edition of the AHO Journal highlighting the transition and Roger’s service in early July. ( If you have notes of appreciation for,  or stories of Roger – send them to AHO editor Bobby Bakshi at - bobbybnow@gmail.com )

 

Marc Avery will be stepping into the role of Center Administrator as of July 1. Marc has been in different roles of service and leadership in the center over the last few years. More on Marc in the AHO edition in early July.

 

In the last couple days of June we’ll be broadcasting to the Northwest MKP lists new contact information for the center’s administration, and a guide on how to use the Center Administrator to support you in the brotherhood.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Firefly” By Steven Lee Mankle

June 17th, 2009

 firefly1

“Who knows

that in the depth of the ravine

of the mountain of my hidden heart

a firefly of my love is aflame.”

– Abutsu Ni

This Japanese woman’s confession to herself almost a thousand years ago tells us that the most important things begin so far inside we can hardly hear them ourselves at first. Or that we keep the most important things so tucked away that they barely have a chance to grow. Probably her sigh of heart bears witness to both.

If you read the words again, these are not just words, but the heartcloud of a living being, catching herself alive in a moment that has repeated itself in everyone who has ever known or wanted to know love. And, though I’m not sure how, we can, in the snap of a guarded moment, in the wince of an unexpected hurt, be a mountain away from what we feel. But if we own the separation, we begin the arduous pilgrimage back to Oneness.

Somewhere along the way and often with good reason, we learn to fear putting our feelings out in the open, out in the weather of ordinary air, as if our small piece of love will die from exposure to the elements, as if our true feelings will not survive the gaze of others. Yet we all know so very well that without air nothing can grow. So what are we to do with our tiny little firefly?

It is a beautiful irony that in confessing her hiddeness, Abutsu-Ni has given us a way. For isn’t it her firefly that has fluttered all the way up from the ravine, up from the mountain of her hidden heart, flitting to moisten her eye and wag her reluctant tongue? Isn’t it her little firefly of love that has kept its tail lit for more than nine hundred years?

It doesn’t have to be pretty or smart, just honest and true. For many a dance starts with a trip, and many a song finds it’s opening through a cough.

–Love & Peace

Ciye Khangi

Steven

Brother Crow

Registrar’s Perspective by Steve Norcross

June 16th, 2009

Fifteen Year Celebration

Registrar’s Perspective

By Steve Norcross

Meadowlark

 

The registrations came in, slowly at first but gradually picking up speed until the early bird, discounted registration fee deadline. Then there was a brief lull until men made up their minds to attend. When we gathered on a Friday afternoon in May, there were about 50 warrior brothers in attendance.

 

The draw for the 15 Year Celebration event was obviously the location. Camp Adams was the place for the first few years of the Northwest’s New Warrior Training Adventure. Most of those registering and attending were alumni of those first years, and I sensed an excitement at being back in the very place where men experienced fear and challenge and accountability and breakthrough and happiness and delight and resolve to become the men they could be.

 

The Northwest’s New Warrior Training Adventure has left Camp Adams and is now meeting at a place in the Columbia Gorge. Each site has its advantages and limitations. Apparently Camp Adams’ fee became prohibitively expensive, and perhaps unsuitable for some of our activities and processes. Life moves on, as does our work and our choices. However, being back in the place where it all began for us fifteen years ago was a real testimony to the significance of space. Camp Adams is, for many men, the very place where they were proclaimed A NEW WARRIOR.

 

Aho!

“2nd NWTA in Hawaii” By Grant Williams

June 9th, 2009

The second ever NWTA (New Warrior Training Adventure) in Hawaii was an awesome experience for me. There were six NW men…Marc Avery, Mike Biskup, Chris Eastman, Frenchy Mallen, Stosh Thompson, and my self. I went a week early and stayed two extra days over to get some diving in. Stosh was kind enough to allow me, Frenchy and his beautiful wife, Ruth to be his and his wife’s…PJ, guests. His house is above Kona and overlooks the Pacific with a view that kills. So does the house….I mean the comfort zone of a king.

 

On Wednesday, May 13, 2009, the site for the training was changed due to rain…get ready…8 inches in one hour. That means FLOOD. Imagine being in a tent. Incidentally, we are talking the big island where there has been weather and fog for months on end. Part of the reason is Kilawea. which is active. The eruptive gasses mix with the southerly winds and create a fog, which from the air as I landed at Kona on the 17th of April, had the whole island totally covered.

 

The community on Hawaii before the training was close to 60 men…a young but vibrant and close knit group of men, some of whom live on the other islands, like Ed Fell for example who lives on Maui. He led the weekend with Francis Borchers and Baradagi from Chicago who co-led. Within 24 hours of that Wednesday, the site had changed to the Bond Estate in Hawi, about 90 minutes north of Kona. This was a miracle. Stosh, Frenchy and I arrived about 2PM and went to work. This place is virtually in the middle of a rain forest….very cool. There were some neighbors and there were some complaints (guts and Sat. night dance) about noise but it got straightened out. A lot of men slept in tents, there were many air mattresses and some shelter. It rained for two days. It was challenging but the newness and rawness kept everyone on ready alert and the energy was palpable. MOS was incredible. No refrigeration, electricity not all the time, outdoor eating on chairs. I can’t believe the food was so good. The leader, Jim Seargent has a restaurant, Luke’s in Hawi. We only had three buildings…small, for sleeping and processes.

 

Friday night 29 men came. Three left the tables, two came back The two that came back were pure Hawaiian men who are blood brothers. Their story is too long to tell for this writer at this time but I will tell you this. In a very real sense, they had so much power, esp. the older one, that they, on one level, ruled the weekend…at least for me. But everyone talked about them constantly. I have never seen such raw, sovereign power from one man…no ego, just the real deal. Their carpet work was churning. I heard all about it from Frenchy. They came in Friday night with suspicion and anger and ready to jump someone, I kid you not. By Sunday afternoon they were marshmallows shining with tender love. At the farewell I did the traditional Hawaiian goodbye, forehead and nose to forehead and nose and it became very emotional. I heard about the welcome home which I missed by a day because I had to get back to the mainland. It was more of that raw power from the pure Hawaiian community which has had a huge shift away from the Howlie haters they were.

 

The whole experience was unforgettable. I am so glad I went. I got to see an old gypsy girlfriend I haven’t seen for over 20 years. I had two days of sun and beach at Ha puna after the training which was delicious. I saw much of the island by hanging out with Joseph McCormick who was there before the training. It is very expensive on the islands. Oranges are $10 a pound. Diving is embarrassingly high. Stosh has a boat so that was a good day (did my 100th dive) except I lost a fin mooring the boat. It floated away while I dove looking for it underneath.

 

I hope to bring Boys to Men there. I told Joe Sigurdson to start waxing his board. There are men there who are very interested. I am on it and God knows, just like Capetown, they really need it. I highly recommend going to support this brand new and courageous group of men who are slowly changing the culture of Hawaii…..Blessings and Aloha..

 

Grant Williams

DolphinSnake Swimming UpStream

Blessing by Bill Dare

June 9th, 2009

For years I’ve been Blessing men in our Center, the great Northwest Center of the Mankind Project. It began with silence and holding space with attention as I watched men do their work at our trainings. I had witnessed men being Blessed on their way into their work and knew this was right and what I wanted. So when I judged men were doing excellent work, I’d approach them and ask if I might Bless them. If they were willing, I’d ask if I could touch them and with permission, place my hand over their heart and Bless them.

 

At first my words were awkward. So long as I held the man’s eyes and opened my heart, the Blessing was well received. Much of the time men wanted to hug me after being Blessed. This was an affirmation for what they had received.

 

After awhile, men came to me for Blessing. They generally liked my hug. Most of the time I could Bless the men with a smile from a distance. Many times men acknowledged me for my work with a Blessing.

 

Eventually, as an Elder I came to understand one of my roles is to Bless others. It doesn’t matter whether they are men, women or children, all want to be seen and Blessed. With Blessing comes a connection.

 

For a long time I wondered about the connection. Eventually I realized it is recognition of the good in me I see in others. It all begins with accepting I am lovable and worthy of Blessing. Once I Bless myself, I am able to witness the good in others and Bless them while reconnecting with all our Blessing.

 

I soon came to use the single word Blessing as I left someone or ended a phone conversation or at the end of my emails. For me it is a way to remind myself to be grateful for all the many Blessings I have in my life. For others it is a way to invite them to consider their Blessings if they choose.

 

I’ve had men tell me they are not comfortable being Blessed by others. In such cases I Witness them for their integrity and realize it is their work. I’ve never had a man, woman or child ask me if I would not Bless them to date.

 

Just today I had a heating specialist update a motor in my home heater. I’d never met the man before. He hasn’t worked long for the company I do business with for our heating needs. I found the most natural thing to do was to stay with this man as he went about his business. I witnessed him and he spoke to me as he worked. I discovered he likes animals; we have 5 cats and I was grateful. He mentioned his wife was holding her own when I asked about his family. As we continued talking I witnessed his wife is in the final stages of chemotherapy for cancer, his son is autistic and he is grateful for the change in job so he can be home regularly and take care of their needs while working a daytime schedule (he used to work nights and on call).

 

He shared how he’d been injured on his previous job and could no longer do what the job required. He demonstrated how his current employer had given him the tools so he could get the job done within his physical limitations.

 

We spoke of many things and I shared a bit about the Mankind Project and offered to answer any questions he might have should he choose to look at the website. When he was leaving, I walked him to his service van and told him I would hold his family in my thoughts of good intention and prayers. As he turned to go after thanking me and shaking my hand I Blessed him verbally. The same connection was there as if I’d known him my whole life. There wasn’t a hug, just a smile and handshake. I am so Blessed to be Blessing.

Aaron Funk’s Reflections

June 9th, 2009

An Open Letter from:

Aaron J. Funk

Worthy Seagull

Camp Adams 1994

 

Men,

 

Some know me as “the man who cries easily” and this is a title I wear proudly today. I am 34 years old and seemingly regardless of the situation, I cry. I cry when I’m happy. I cry when I’m sad. I cry because my body leaks the joy I feel from being a man. At this 15th Anniversary Celebration Weekend, I am reminded how strong I am, as a younger man, to stand in front of such powerful, elder men and cry — from happiness, from reverence, from joy, from loss, from a feeling of missing those who couldn’t be there; from overwhelming feelings I can’t express fully at this time. 

 

At 18 years old, I signed up for the first New Warrior Training Adventure held in the Northwest.  I had no idea what to expect, but found as one of the youngest initiated New Warrior men that my foundation was rocked and rolled, turned upside down and inside out by the NWTA in the most wonderful way, in the most traumatic way, in the most profound way to create a foundation of who I am today. 

 

So, to you, the men who inspired me with your strength and wisdom, the men who pushed me beyond my limits, the men who encouraged the handling of a sword on which to place my fear, to BE ‘warrior’, with its inherent strength and weakness and admitted limitation as humans, as men, I offer my strength as a seemingly fragile man who can stand before you and cry quietly, letting out the strength, power and confidence I feel.  I share with the world the TRUE strength of Warrior — the strength that shows I have fear, but keep it on the edge of my blade; the wisdom to show that I am my own man; the power to show that I am not afraid to let you see a side of myself that is natural.  I feel the power that comes from shedding many tears at this reunion of men who impacted me so greatly, men who showed me what it means to be a complete man in this world.  I wish you all only the best fortune.

 

And I invite you to cry. I invite you to stand strong before 60 men and cry as you talk about the change that brought you to the edge and back, and to the edge again. Stand and fully surrender to that which is human, which is truly MAN, and ultimate Warrior.  Cry.  Let the rivers run down your cheeks as they do mine as I recall this gathering of truly powerful grounded men, those who have chosen to confront their fears, those who have chosen to walk an unconventional path to BE Warrior. Accept that wherever you are in life, whatever journeys, trials and tribulations you have been challenged by, or grief you have experienced, that it is POWERFUL to cry. FEEL my strength. FEEL my youth. FEEL the energy that drew you to me this weekend as a youthful elder amongst men whose experience I can barely wrap my hands around, yet easily and effortlessly wrap my arms and heart around to embrace all you’ve experienced, to integrate it into all I’ve experienced…and cry. 

 

I am grateful to the art and poetry and music and comedy of who we are, and yet, I feel compelled to urge you to dig deeper than ever before, to explore the depths of your tears. Not of any judgmental methodology, to decide what feeling you “should” have, but just to let the water of our individual lives flow out of your eyes, to cause you to convulse with emotion, to LET it take you wherever it takes you.

 

My gift to you, my elders, is that you take away from my presence the power to cry. Not just in comfort or privacy, not just among your trusted family, not just in the presence of women, but among the MOST powerful of men, simply cry.  When you do that, I extend my hand in a way I have been unable to prior, not that I was unwilling, but trust begets a sensitive man, who calls himself “Warrior” who can stand ALONE and cry to you, to stand AMONG you and cry for you, to feel rooted in this Earth and cry with you. I will meet you there in a place of ultimate joy, in a place of power and peace, in a place where men, women, and children meet to feel this universal experience of strength and unity, where there is no question or turning back, where the power and monumental fortitude of “Warrior” rejects the labels we place on ourselves as men, what we “should” be, and allows us to surrender completely to the true power of who we are as men on this earth.

 

I love and thank each and every one of you. I have a power I didn’t know before NWTA and it will never be forgotten. I am a better man for spending this time together with you.  

 

 

AHO!

 

Jon Witte on the 15th Anniversary

June 9th, 2009

In late afternoon on Friday, May 8, nearly 50 men gathered together at Camp Adams in Mollala, Oregon to mark the 15-year anniversary of the founding of the Northwest Center of MKP.  Looking back, it seems fitting that this event took place on Mother’s Day weekend since it was the first NWTA in the Northwest, which occurred in March 1994, that gave birth to our Center.  As the details of that first weekend were revealed it became clear that there were many labor pains, however, for the men who organized and staffed that first NWTA, it was indeed a labor of love.

 

Camp Adams is indeed where it all began for our Northwest Center.  For those of you who have heard check-ins with the usual format of “name, animal name, date and place of training” you may have sensed that there is something special when men check in with “Camp Adams, March 1994”.  For me that has held a special lore and mystique.  Although I’ve been part of the Center for many years (Camp Melacoma, May 1998) I had not previously seen Camp Adams.  There are also many men from those early days that I had heard stories about, but had never met.  I sensed however, that they were the men upon whose shoulders I have been standing and I wanted to learn more about them.  That desire, along with the desire to have fun, celebrate, give thanks, tell stories, and share laughter as well as tears was what lead the Planning Committee (composed of Jon Witte, Bob Dyer, Dave Gallison, Ron Roesler, Steve Norcross, and Dan Groskopf) to organize this anniversary event.

 

The celebration started, as do many Warrior events, with a “greeting” on Friday night.  This greeting, though, was unlike the usual “warrior weekend greeting”.  It began with men signing in and receiving a nametag, however that is where all similarity ended.  First of all, rather than a number, the nametag actually contained our real name.  We were then presented with a difficult choice…. an excellent “home-brew” IPA, (courtesy of Pete Lepanto) or a glass of either white or red wine, or sparkling grape juice.  Beverages were accompanied by shallot-laden, cream cheese and smoked salmon a-topped rye crisps amongst other “light” snacks. Over the next several hours many smiles were seen and much laughter heard while men reconnected with others whom they may not have seen in many years.

 

We were then treated to an exquisite salmon dinner prepared by the MOS team of Roger Swayze and Don Avery.  Dessert was cake accompanied by the singing of “Happy Birthday” to the Northwest Center and also to Roger Swayze, whose own birthday was the following day.  Next, we enjoyed an evening of entertainment with comedy, musical instruments, song, poetry, and the telling of stories.  “Thanks!” to John Goldman, Pete Lepanto, Ron Laws, Ron Silver, Alex Weiss, Don Hynes, and Charles Maclean!  Several die-hards couldn’t help but enjoy spending time at a campfire tended by Tim DarrochMannix until the wee hours before finally calling it a night.

 

Saturday was a day for men to share stories.  Some of the stories documented the details of the history of the founding of our Center and others described the impact that our Center has had on their lives.  They were received with a combination of awe, inspiration, laughter and tears.  There were a total of three story-telling sessions, lead by a moderating team of Will Hornyak, Dave Gallison, and Jon Witte.  Each was recorded in an unobtrusive manner and John Campbell will transcribe the historical information.  This will eventually be incorporated into the history that has been placed in our Center’s Remembrance Chest.

 

The initial session focused on the March 1994 NWTA, including the details that lead up to it, and the men involved.  We were fortunate to have so many men from that first NWTA in attendance.  Those from the staff included Bert Berney, Jim Browning, Gary Carpenter, Jed Diamond, Dave Gallison, Mogenns Gilmour, Todd Hartman, Will Hornyak, Don Hynes, Bill Kauth, Kim Lewis, Scott MacRae, Michael Moore, Ron Silver, Alex Weiss, and David Zimberoff.  Initiates included Bob Dyer, Pete Lepanto, Aaron Funk, Rick Howell, and Jeff Frost.  Seeing the 16 staff men together upfront was awesome and hearing their stories was truly inspiring!  It soon became apparent that the early NWTAs were “less refined” than they are today.  The staff men described a great deal of raw energy and passion, which was both physically and emotionally exhausting.  For them putting on the early NWTAs was likened to “building an airplane while flying it.”  As a member of the audience I found myself thinking, “You did what?”!  Yet, despite all the “glitches” and behind the scenes drama of the early years, the experience as later told from the initiate’s perspective sounded the same as from any other NWTA in the last 15 years…. truly amazing and life changing!  Looking back, it may have been just this “rawness” in the early years that provided our Center with the necessary energy and passion required to successfully launch it to become one of the premier Centers in the MKP. 

 

The latter two sessions looked at how our Center has evolved over time into what it is today.  We learned about how many of the Communities within our Center came into being and we heard stories about some of the men who were instrumental in making that happen.  We also gained a glimpse of what the future might hold, for our Center, for MKP, and for the world as a whole.  Dan McKee, our current Center Director, related what he sees as both the challenges and also the opportunities that lie ahead for our Center.  Bill Kauth, one of the co-founders of MKP and visionary extraordinaire, along with Jed Diamond, talked about an even bigger picture.  They told us about the development of sustainable “Transition Towns” which have begun to emerge in response to the major challenges, which face our world today.  They see MKP communities as uniquely qualified to tap into this movement and to help bring about the change that is sorely needed to heal a troubled planet.

 

A closing circle was held late Saturday afternoon.  Although some men decided to stay another night, most left that evening.  Looking back, it doesn’t seem possible that all of the objectives of this unique event had been achieved in just over 24 hours.  But indeed, we re-connected, laughed, cried, rejoiced, gave thanks, listened, learned, and were blessed.  And lastly, although this event was designed to merely “break even” financially, in the end $1500 was left over as profit, to be used to offset our Center’s budget.  All things considered, not a shabby outcome!  AHO!

 

Jon Witte “Compassionate Father Wolf”

Path of Relationship by Tim Barraud, Joyful Goat

June 6th, 2009

A couple, married for twelve years, is driving to Portland on the I5. It is winter and low cloud closes the view to wet road, speeding vehicles and rain on the windows. Inside the car they drive in silence, her hand resting on his leg as he drives, the feeling between them is spacious, timeless and peaceful. It hasn’t always been this way and it will change and change again but right now they rest in the solace of a difficulty overcome, the moment full of optimism and possibility, an old humor and enjoyment in each others company restored to its rightful place. They remember what they love about each other. Their appointment in Portland, a performance in front of a critical audience, demands the best of both of them and they are resting into the support and love they feel from each other.

 

Driving together was something they loved for many years but little by little this enjoyment was replaced by an edge of discontent and resentment, the silences less peaceful and the conversation less flowing and generous. Their life has become busy and demanding and travel often just an extension of this busyness, made much worse by their different perceptions of what it means to “leave on time.” His need to leave “on time” was acute and her seeming indifference to this need left him fuming and impatient. His response to this indifference was to get loud, demanding and stern, while her response to his demands was to slow down further and respond to his demands with shrill tone. Internally her own anxiety about the day turned to panic with his demands, and with this panic her resistance grew. He would try to anticipate this impasse by planning even earlier departures, shouldering more of the packing and preparation, but nothing seemed to work and too often he would finish up sitting, waiting in the car in a funk, his pleasure and excited anticipation of the day turned to dread and resentment. Driving in pinched silence or talking about the trouble tended to make it worse.

 

Earlier in the day they had taken the time to use a structured dialoging technique to listen to each other on this topic. They took turns with listening and with talking. What she learned is how his need to be on time came from a young place in him that needed to prepare as a way of taking good care of himself; being late meant he would not be prepared and filled him with fear. What he learned is how much she needed to leave everything attended to: phone calls made, the house in good shape, pets catered for, and how his stern demands scared her and made her go even slower as her anxiety grew. Their different styles put them on a collision course, made much worse as they regressed to a young age and fought like willful, scared children. Listening to each other, in a structured way, before any upset could push them apart, built empathy between them – empathy for the children they once were and the difficulties they had both struggled with back then. They had married, not just as two adults, but also as two wounded children. The volatility of these two children fueled their conflict; understanding their unmet childhood needs built understanding, empathy and healing between them.

 

“Can there be birth of consciousness without pain?” These words are carved above the entrance to a building in a New Zealand national park that greets the many weary hikers arriving at its doors. Strange question for hikers but I knew the men who built this place, thirty years ago, and the one who did the carving – he was and is a Zen student, a seeker after truth, who was grappling with the pain of a lost relationship when he took time out from his life to build this sanctuary in a beautiful place. I understood what he was asking – it was a question I was also asking.

 

Joseph Campbell the great mythologist and wise man of the twentieth century made famous the circular path of the “Hero’s Journey.” The concept of a journey that

“Everyman” sets out on after experiencing some sort of call heard by his higher self, which takes him out of the compound, the comfort zone of his life, and inevitably changes him forever. A call which is intensely personal, can be seductive, maybe even grandiose when the ego is involved, but which will ultimately test him, take him through the dark night of his soul and which will be painful. There will be dragons and allies along the way and if he is true to his calling he will come back into the light, on a path of return, back to the place where he began, expanded in his view of life and bringing gifts for his community.

 

Most initiations fit this model and so does the journey of relationship with another person. Here I am talking about a relationship which is committed, perhaps entering into commitment after experiencing the call of falling in love, the seductive and chemically altered state where we believe we have found “the one”, a soul mate that will complete us and make everything right. This magical place of romance is inevitably temporary, encourages us to take leave of our “senses” and can ultimately unlock the door to a more mature and expanded self. Truly a change of consciousness.

 

And so I am describing committed relationship not merely as a journey towards happiness, but also as a path of unfolding towards the person we most want to become. It is a mystical path in that, through evolution or divine planning or both, this journey is built into our very being, coded into our DNA. We are hard wired to get lost and hopefully found with another person in such a way. The way through, with patience and commitment, can lead not only to a kinder, more loving and compassionate self but also to gaining a healthy and secure attachment to this partner who took the journey with us. It is not a short journey, is never complete and ends when one of us leaves, often through death.

 

Following the “union” of the romantic phase of relationship there is a gradual return to our former selves, neither of us is permanently changed and we awaken to an incompatibility we hadn’t noticed before.  We became intimate, we let down our defenses and we moved in together; living in such a way with another person is seldom easy, other people are inevitably annoying and difficult with ongoing exposure and they often cramp our style.  Thus begins the “power struggle” which takes many forms, some volatile, some more subtle or passive and which will never result in successfully changing the other person, or even making them more acceptable. Ultimately the only person we can change is our self. It helps to have teachers.

 

Successfully negotiating this power struggle requires a balancing feat between yielding and standing our ground; developing both deep intimacy with another and also a solid relationship with our self. The partner we selected through love was no coincidence, he or she is intimately and unconsciously linked to both the best and the worst that we can be. We have married our “unfinished business” and the power struggle released, sparks directly from the unmet needs of our child from the past. Reconciling these needs can result in healing and a fuller maturity for both people.  Shadow forces are at play here and taming these can lead to the development of healthy, secure attachment with the person we love, thus achieving relative serenity with this person in the midst of the turmoil of daily life. It helps to have guides

 

Many couples fail to negotiate their power struggle in an intelligent and informed way. Unconscious, shadow forces wrestle for survival in a struggle which is both reactive and instinctive.  Painful, raw places are exposed repeatedly and over time couples often withdraw and fail to develop the safe and functional intimacy they yearn for. The end result varies from: pinched politeness, ongoing volatility, low grade alienation, parallel paths, affairs, divorce and other protective options. Most adults need educational support in order to see the truth of their defense systems – and the cost to their happiness.

 

The last twenty years have seen great progress in understanding relationship; this territory has been under the microscope of scientific investigation while adding the best of therapeutic method. Giant strides have been made in making emotional education fun and effective and many teachers have emerged who share their own relationship experiences and teach with compassion and skill. We go to college, get coaching in tennis or golf, take continuing education in our professions but too often ignore the understanding of our selves in relationship. Many of us learned distorted lessons on loving from our parents and then jump into relationship, figuring to learn experientially along the way. Divorce statistics indicate this is not an easy thing to do and even more difficult in second marriages. Falling in love is easy; becoming a loving person is so much more difficult.

 

So, is there birth of consciousness without pain? I think not, yet becoming stuck in our pain is not necessary. Carl Jung once said that neurosis is a substitute for legitimate suffering. In this case it is the legitimate suffering of getting beyond the power struggle and into the calmer waters of mature relationship that is the goal. Once we arrive in this place, which is never a short journey, we have gained deep and abiding comfort with another human and we have also carved out something very solid within our self – a true birth of consciousness, and this is a priceless jewel.

“Take on The Challenge for April NWTA” By Ian Hageman

March 26th, 2009

(this is an email that Ian sent to the April 2009 staff)

 

Hey there,


I challenge every man on this list to step up to the plate and take action to enroll at least one man into the April training.  I know that the economy is bad (and lost my own job recently), but I believe that the work we do is too important to be reasonable.  I think this is especially true in these times, when men are scared about the future, because scared men - and especially scared men who can’t admit what they feel - create messes in the world.

In the Context Presentation, we say that New Warriors have missions of service in the world - and what better service than to invite a man to take a look at his shadow?

If you choose to take on this challenge, there are several different things that you could do:

   1) Wear your talisman openly for a day (or a week) and use the questions you receive about it as opportunities to talk about the work.

   2) Open up your I Group for a night.  I recently learned that half of all men who attend an open I Group will eventually do the NWTA - and 90% of all men who attend an open I Group twice will do so.

   3) Send out an email to all the men where you work which says something about where you’ll be when you’re out of the office the end of the last full week in April, what you got out of the training when you went through, and why you are staffing, and invite them to sign up or ask you about the training.

   4) Find some icons which represent the four archetypes to you, put them up in the appropriate directions in your workspace, and explain what you’re doing (and why you’re doing it) to anybody who asks.

   5) Open up to a man in your life and tell him what you really appreciate about him.

   6) Ask a man that you know to let you know what he *really* thinks of you - and stay present for the conversation when it happens.

   7) Invite a man to the welcome home celebration.  If he says yes, as him if he’d like to be one of the men honored.

   8) Ask your partner(s) and/or exes what changes they’ve seen in you since you went through.  Then, ask them if any of their friends have male partners who might benefit from doing similar work and offer several times when you’d be available to talk with such men.

   9) Change the signature on your email to mention the NWTA.

   10) Go live your mission more powerfully than you have been, and explain what changed when people ask.

I would like to see us pull off another 40-man weekend, but we’re currently behind schedule to fill up.

Best!

- Ian
 Running Deer
 April 2009 NWTA Weekend Coordinator

Make a good day!

“Dr. Saleslove or…” By Tony Rutt

March 25th, 2009

“Dr. Saleslove Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Enrollment” by Tony Rutt

What are the dynamics at play when you discuss the NWTA with an uninitiated man? What mindset do you need to flawlessly have a discussion about the NWTA? What skills do you need? What is the underlying process at play during an enrollment discussion, and what are some of the techniques to use?

 

I am going to address those questions in this article, in the hope that more warriors can have flawless enrollment discussions with uninitiated men. I use the word “flawless” deliberately. Not every man you talk to about the NWTA will sign up, that would on some level be perfect, and unrealistic. However, if you understand what the ‘under’ is in an enrollment discussion, what you bring to the discussion, and where it needs to go to reach a decision (one way or the other) then you will have done your part flawlessly, regardless of what the man ultimately decides.

 

This information comes from some of the many sales trainings I have conducted. “Sales,” I hear you scream, “Enrollment isn’t sales!” Well, if you think of sales, at best, as the clean exchange of information to determine if there is a potential match between what is offered and what is needed, I hope you will see that many of the same principles can apply. In archetypal terms, you will bring all quadrants into an enrollment discussion, not least of all your lover which will convey your attitudes and beliefs about the NWTA, your empathy for the other man, your unique language. What is offered here is from the other quadrants: warrior structure, magician skills and sovereign wisdom to support your enrollment lover.

 

Let’s begin with some basic psychology. Men will make the rational decision to enroll for underlying irrational reasons. They make the decision with their gut and then use their brain to rationalize the decision. Men act from the right brain hemisphere of emotion not from the logical left side. Men will respond to compelling language. So all this being the case, our role is more complicated than providing “just the facts”. We certainly will need to provide hard factual information, but we will also need to guide someone who is probably very much in his head into his more irrational, emotional side to make a commitment to the weekend.

 

To navigate through an enrollment discussion and effectively support an uninitiated man, we need two ‘enrollment toolsets’:

 

  1. A mindset – attitudes and beliefs around enrollment
  2. A skill-set – knowledge of and skills for a flawless enrollment discussion.

 

Looking at the mindset first. These are your attitudes and beliefs. Which are, in turn, what you believe works, what drives you, your consciousness of what you do. You having the appropriate mindset is the primary determinant of ongoing long-term success in enrollment discussions.

 

And what is the right mindset? Here’s a good indicator. Is any fear coming up for you around this discussion of enrollment? Some fear, of course, is healthy, but a paralyzing fear around enrollment is not. If you feel that your attitudes and beliefs are congruent with enrolling men in the NWTA, terrific! But if not, let’s take a look at fear and enrollment.

 

When it comes to fear and enrollment, fear can be boiled down to two main ones: fear of relationship, or fear of task. Fear of relationship comes from apprehension, oppositional behavior (fear of feeling fear), dependence, conventionality, need for approval, and a hard time delegating or compromising. Fear of task comes from a preference for achievement, people, problem solving, competitiveness and moving towards one’s destiny. So are you running your world or is it running you? Who’s pulling your strings? If you have what’s known as ‘high external levers of control,’ perhaps better known to warriors as ‘victim-hood’, you are less likely to be successful at enrollment discussions. However, if you have high internal levers of control, you are more likely to be self-accountable and to be more successful at enrollment discussions. I think there’s plenty of material in there for work statements for us all!   If you do experience fear around the prospect of enrollment discussions try on some of these ‘attitude adjusters’: be optimistic, take risks, listen better, offer more, be more available, connect, be empathetic.

 

Turning now to the skill-set required for enrollment. It can help to understand the underlying process and dynamic at work in an enrollment discussion and where you are at in that process. Also, having some basic skills to help you navigate and facilitate the discussion is beneficial.

 

So how does a man come to say yes to the NWTA? In a nutshell, it’s when he sees the value of the NWTA in meeting his needs. Our role is to move men from not seeing or understanding the value of the weekend to a point where they perceive its value exceeds its costs, and they understand that it meets their stated needs. So, often we will need to work on increasing the man’s understanding and perception of the value of the NWTA until we can get him to a ‘yes point’.

 

But what exactly is ‘value’? Simply stated, value is needs being fulfilled. Clearly then we need to understand the uninitiated man’s needs. We do so in order that we can frame the benefits of the NWTA in terms that address what he is looking for. And where do we look for needs during an enrollment discussion? One way of looking for how needs show up is in terms of the man’s relationships: his work relationships, his personal relationships, and his relationship with himself. Needs show up in three ways: in verbs and actions (“I’m leaving my…”), in objectives or  “to” statements (“I want to…”) and in challenges or “how” statements (“How will I ever be able to…”).

 

Needless to say a man may not willingly offer up his needs, so we need to be prepared with questions that will help uncover them. Use open-ended facilitative questions that avoid a closed yes or no answer and encourage the man to open up and speak. As in guts or any process work, be empathetic but not sympathetic. And if it’s appropriate, ask high-yield, juicy, scary questions to get his deepest needs. In a fluid discussion, it can be easy to be knocked off track, so I suggest that you keep in mind the following three questions (courtesy of Steve Newcomb) that are the basis of any guts process: I) What’s going on with this man? II) What needs to happen? III) What messages is he getting? An enrollment discussion is not a guts process, its objective is to inform and educate a man about the NWTA and help guide him to a decision point, however I think these three questions are an excellent way to track with an uninitiated man.

 

Once we have uncovered the man’s needs, its time for us to present the benefits of the NWTA. Let’s make the vital distinction between benefits and features. A feature is an attribute (the car has a V12 engine, the NWTA lasts two nights), whereas a benefit is what we actually get (you’ll leave everyone in the dust in this car, the NWTA will give you a fresh perspective on your life). Men want benefits and solutions, not the features and gritty detail. Remember that men respond to compelling language, or to use an old adage “sell don’t tell”, so again as in guts use a man’s own keywords back to him. Concretely, this means discussing the value and benefit of the NWTA in terms of how it will help meet his stated needs, and the value and benefits of the solutions (iGroup, training, support, etc, etc) that come as a consequence. I’m not here to put words into your mouth. Your communicating of the benefits will, and can only be, in your own voice, from your heart.

 

And once you’ve presented the benefits of the NWTA and addressed his needs and answered his questions, where do you go from there? Well, you invite a response, simply What do you think?” And then you shut up, and wait for his response, however long it takes for him to reply. To jump in and save the man, to not let him sit with his feelings, is to do him a grave disservice. There’s a chance that he will want to sign up on the spot, but more likely are expressions of fear or skepticism, anger, misunderstanding, and more questions. Anticipate this. Prepare by reaching back to when someone first introduced the idea of the NWTA to you. Did you jump at it or did you have a lot of questions and concerns?

 

When a man (almost inevitably) comes back to us with a response other than “That all sounds fantastic, where do I sign up?” What do we do? Or as our President said recently, how do you turn a “challenge into an opportunity”? Recognize first that the enrollment discussion is a process and rarely a linear one. You may have to circle back around several times until the man is clear on what he needs and what the value to him of the NWTA might be. But fear is what often can come up for you at this stage. “What do I say next?” “How do I answer that?” “I’m losing this guy” “He doesn’t get it?” We all know about the fight or flight response to fear which in this context might look like “You didn’t listen to what I explained” (fight) or “You’re right, it does sound ridiculous, I don’t why I brought it up” (flight). Neither reaction is likely to move a man closer to the NWTA. There are two other reactions to fear however: freeze and facilitation. To freeze at fear is an instinctual self-preservation response, but again it won’t help our discussion much. So we are left with ‘facilitation’.

 

Think of facilitating as resolving misunderstandings. How much does the uninitiated man ‘get’? What has he potentially not heard? What is he confused about? Does he think that some of his needs will not be met? Have some of his needs remained hidden? Circle around: ask more facilitative questions (“Where do you see benefit from attending a NWTA?” “Tell me why you don’t think it’s for you?”), re-frame the benefits of the NWTA in his terms, and then ask again “What do you think?” You may not be able to demonstrate to the man that the benefits of attending the weekend outweigh the costs; the man may not open up to what he really needs; he may shut down. However, as long as you play your role cleanly you will have had a flawless enrollment discussion.

 

Postscript.

 

I want to briefly address something that you may have noticed by its absence. That is, any discussion of the cost of the NWTA. The price of the NWTA is irrelevant. Let me repeat: the price of the NWTA is irrelevant. Here’s why: until I fully understand how something can benefit me, it is impossible for me to value it accurately. When you buy something ‘expensive’ don’t you understand what it does for you first? Don’t confuse value (needs being met) with cost (money). The fact is that MKP is a scare commodity and exclusive (in that only a tiny percentage of men ever become warriors) means it could cost much more than it does. (I would guess that in retrospect you would have paid much more for the NWTA relative to the benefits you’ve received.) The purpose of the enrollment discussion is to help the uninitiated man understand what he needs and what the value of the benefits of the NWTA are potentially worth to him. But this is not a monetary discussion. What price can you put on regaining your life? It’s beyond money. If you frame the discussion first and foremost in terms of determining whether the NWTA is even a ‘fit’ for him, (“Is it something you would even benefit from?”) you can legitimately leave any discussion of the cost off the table. To do otherwise, to have a figure out there, is to keep the man in his head and make your job that much harder.